the Evil Network

Not necessarily evil, but not necessarily good...

Zoinks! Magazine | Nerdflood

Thursday, December 30, 2004

We need a LOGO!

Posted by Nathaniel at 7:35 AM
You read it right, the Evil Network needs a logo, and we want YOU to design it for us! Do you have any graphic design experience? Do you like to design images for no reason? Do you like to create corporate identities for fictional companies? What are you, some kinda freak?

Well, put that experience to good use! Create us an Evil Network logo that exemplifies the reason this network exists: a complete and total waste of internet space.

Here's the requirements:
  • Logo must be able to fit within the header banner box above
  • Logo must be no more than 1024kb in file size
  • Preferred file format for logo is .PNG, though .JPG will be accepted (I suppose...)
  • Logo must be simple enough to be managed by us monkeys
  • Logo should be able to match the different color stylings of each individual Evil Network blog. Achieve this by either making the logo very basic, or by submitting multiple logos that each match the color scheme of a particular blog (demanding, aren't we?)
  • NO ZIP FILES! Gmail doesn't like zip files, for some ungodly reason
  • Deadline is: February 10th! (date chosen completely at random)
  • Send submissions to:, subject: Logo Design Contest
  • Any questions can go to the same place
The winner of the contest receives the lofty recognition that comes with creating the logo for a world-reknowned website! Your design will be plastered all over the many Evil Network blogs we manage, and credit will be given, including a permanent link to your website on every page where the logo exists.

So, send in your work! Create us an online identity worthy of the moniker the Evil Network!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Christmas to all...

Posted by Nathaniel at 11:28 PM
...and to all a joyous and safe holiday season!

From the Evil Network staff.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Alien Hominid Review (GC)

Posted by Nathaniel at 9:25 PM
by Dacquin

October: I wanted this game from the moment I heard this. However, it wasn’t coming to any major stores, so I had to rely on Gamestop and EBGames.

November: It came out, but when I called both Gamestop and EBGames, they didn’t even know the game existed. So I went to both stores and murdered the clerks for them being clueless about this game.

December: I FINALLY found this friggin’ game. Finally! I didn’t want to order it online and pay shipping fees, but then, I found out that Gamestop had it, so I can review this game that I’ve been waiting a while for for so long. The person they hired must know what good quality games are. You guys do realize I am on a budget on reviewing Gamecube games. This is the most I’ve paid for one game. $30.


My opinion on it?

3.3/5 Enjoyed it

First off, I want to say I’M NOT COMPARING THIS TO METAL SLUG! Every review I read points fingers to Metal Slug. I myself hated Metal Slug due to the slow controls and the unbelievable amount of times that I died. While Alien Hominid still contains the unbelievable amount of times that I died, I found it more enjoyable.

The storyline is plain and simple. The FBI has shot down your ship and stolen it. GET IT BACK FROM THEM! Your trek takes you from the US, to going to Russia to get your ship back again, and a final battle in Area 51. A fat kid will assist you by giving you powerups throughout the game, but you never really find out what the fat kids have against the FBI or why it’s for the Alien.

I have to say that this is quite a enjoyable game. It’s all hand drawn art and it’s beautiful compared to the old flash game that’s on Newgrounds. Your weapons are a blaster and grenades (funny how aliens have the same technology as we do). There are a few different types of ammunition you can pick up, which will help, but if you die, you’ll lose it.

Wait, my mistake. WHEN you die. Make no mistakes about it, you will die. With most of the big explosions made in the game, you’ll never see a crucial shot that will kill you, but that’s the tip of the iceburg of how easily you can die. Most likely you’ll waste all of your lives and continues before you get to the Stage 2 levels. Luckily, you can start the game on the last level you beat and start with a fresh batch of lives and continues. Why they made the game this hard is beyond me.

The extra games are for multiplayer, so I can’t really review them without a second person, and my imaginary friend is mad at me for eating his slices of pizza, so I’ll get into the PDA game. The PDA game is about 200 rooms of using your man to kill enemies and maneuvering around obstacles. There’s also a Level Editor, so you can create your own levels. Also, like the main game, you can start the last PDA level you were playing on, right now I’m on 52.

I miss Contra, but this definitely fills the void of owning a side shooter. Now, I must reclaim Contra. I need to replay that badly since this resparked.

A Legend of Zelda complaint which turned into a bash on sequels

Posted by Nathaniel at 9:24 PM
by Dacquin

This is kinda irritating to me, and while the Zelda franchise has been very fun, I can’t escape the fact that there needs to be some kind of altercation with the plot. I’ve played Zelda, Zelda 2, Link to the Past and Wind Waker and in every single one, you have to save Princess Zelda and Hyrule. Are the other Zeldas that I haven’t played different? I mean, there has to be some kind of different plots somewhere.

There’s a Triforce that is scattered (why can’t you keep the triforce together?) and you have to collect all the pieces so you can go against Ganon who is all that is evil in the world. You must get the Master sword, which is the only weapon that can hurt him plus you have the obligatory Boomerang, Arrows, and Bombs, with the national currency of Hyrule being Rupies along with other items that you need to get.

I was thinking about comparing The Legend of Zelda to Final Fantasy, but there’s a big difference. Final Fantasy hasn’t changed it’s gameplay since the first game, The Legend of Zelda has always found ways of making each game interesting. While Final Fantasy is always on the edge of great graphics, it doesn’t have the ingenuity of the Legend of Zelda.

Which makes me want to complain about this, why in sequels, if you’re playing the same character, lets take Samus Aran, they have to collect power packs to increase their energy, however, in the sequels, they start out with the same measly energy? Did she sell her energy packs on Intergallatic Ebay? And why would she if she continually fights evil?

And why must you have the same big bad guys all the time? Can’t the forces of good kill the forces of evil in one fell swoop? Surely, they’re smart enough to take them out the first time around. There’s always some sage that knows how to kill them, but there’s no one IN THE WORLD who knows how to take them out for good.

Um…. In conclusion…. Dang. Lets say, if you want to make a sequel, make an innovative one. Keep very few things and make a lot of new things. Don’t keep the same Big Bad guys.

Spotlight On...

Posted by Nathaniel at 4:10 PM
A new online comic spotlight has been posted! The Evil Network Comics blog has also been slightly redesigned. Please feel free to comment on the design and let us know if you think it's better or worse than what we had previously.

I'm leaning towards better, but then, I'm also slightly biased.

New GameCube Review

Posted by Dacquin at 9:11 AM
Two posts in one hour. As you can see, I have a lot of free time at work right now.

Alien Hominid Review

If you've never heard of Alien Hominid, shame on you.

New complaint

Posted by Dacquin at 8:27 AM
I'm playing Wind Waker, and needed to vent a complaint. My family is a big group of complainers, so I have quite a bit of experience in that field. Basically, it's a bash on sequels.

My complaint.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Marble Madness Review (NES)

Posted by Nathaniel at 9:23 PM
Day 1: I saw, at EBgames, a copy of Marble Madness and thought; I would love to have this in my collection! When I saw the price of $17, I wanted to burst out laughing because that’s way to much to pay for it. The game merits, at most, $1.00 worth of gameplay and no more.


What’s my opinion on Marble Madness?

Back in the old days - 3.5/5.0. Today - .5/5

I’m not going to play the game again because there’s no real reason to, that’s how short the game is. Basically you’re a marble trying to reach the goal before time runs out. The time you have left after the level carries over to the next stage, meaning you need to conserve what time you have to have a better chance of getting to the next level.

You have to avoid obstacles, like getting knocked off by an evil black marble, avoiding getting dissolved by acid, or being eaten by jumping blobs. At certain parts of the level, you have choices between which road to go on, and either road will have its ups and downs. During the game, the Marble fairy can come around and give you an extra ten seconds on the clock. Depending on your luck, you can get it three times during the game or not at all.

The game can be completed in ten minutes, making its replay value….. ten minutes. I mean, it takes a little while to get good enough to go through all the levels, but after that, there’s no extras or other levels that make you want to keep playing Marble Madness. At most, you’ll be playing this game for about an hour. And there is no game in video game history that warrants only paying $17 for an hours worth of gameplay. None.

One last thing you guys are probably wondering is why did I give it a 3.5 back in the old days? It’s because I rented it and was uncoordinated. After replaying it a month ago, I beat it on my second try and was extremely happy I didn’t buy this game.

Old NES review & Etc.

Posted by Dacquin at 3:16 PM
This week, I'm going for the old game Marble Madness. I didn't replay the game, because basically, after you've played Marble Madness once, there's no real reason you need to play it a second time. Anyway, need I digress.

My next Gamecube review will be up tomorrow or Sunday. I've finally gotten to beat some video games, which is why I've finally started putting up these reviews again. Look forward to Metroid Prime, Alien Hominid and The Legend Of Zelda: Wind Waker.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The Great Debate: the Nintendo DS vs the Sony PSP

Posted by Nathaniel at 11:04 PM
While this debate has been covered in many different arenas, I still feel the need to chime in with my impressions. Take this as coming from the perspective of a huge Nintendo fan who has been personally jilted by the hideously business-oriented planned obsolescence of the Game Boy Advance. While I have faith that Nintendo can do great things when motivated by aspirations that conquer even the foul, heathenistic desire for money, I have had my head thrown against the wall by their "innovation" marketing mantra too many times to take them at their word from day one. Basically, this blog is just as much for myself as it is for our readers. My hope is to fling this pile of indiscriminate, detailed information into an intelligent, cohesive examination of the facts. There will be no fanboyism. There will be no (absolute) favoritism. There will be no "this is teh roxorZ!!!11!" without the appropriate dissemination of the data to prove the point valid. This will be a (fairly) unbiased look at the two handhelds, what they have to offer, and the inherent empty promises.

I have played neither system. While that may force upon me the label "uninformed" by a careless few, it actually makes me something else entirely: the average consumer. I glean my data from sources found upon the wondrous and magical intraweb, and notice I used the word "data" (...and "intraweb", but ignore that part...). I don't take other people's opinions and take them as crude fact. I don't take speculation and pile even more speculation upon it, creating some sort of freakish, Frankenstein-ian hyperbole monster, threatening to tear asunder the very fabric of this factual physical world in which we live. No. I'm quite good at making my own assumptions, thank you very much. I don't need someone else to do it for me.

That all said, please read on.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Our apologies.

Posted by Dacquin at 9:45 PM
We knew we haven't done much for Evil Network, and I've neglected my reviewing duties (it's hard to review games once a week, especially since most of the games I play take longer than a week to play), but I'll try better. Anyway, I'm the one usually posting these messages.

*looks at the other contributors of Evil Network*

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Alive With Technology

Posted by Savage Alien at 10:29 AM
Duuuuuuude. (6MB Quictime Video)

I... want one.

Monday, December 06, 2004

I don't know how I got this

Posted by Dacquin at 9:07 PM

Yeah. I didn't mean for this. And I've never seen Goodfellas.

I've had a couple days to recover...

Posted by Nathaniel at 1:36 PM
Sometimes I believe I'm addicted to the internet, so going away for the weekend without any kind of web access is always a nice diversion. Of course, even such a simple--seemingly harmless--activity as "going away for the weekend" requires moving out into the sunlight.

Whilst whittling away the time at my mother-in-law's, periodically corralling the 2-year-old boy as my wife created assorted Christmastyme confections with her mother, I played a bit of Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance lent me by a friend of mine. It's a phenomenal game; and not simply due to the fact that it can actually be viewed, quite unlike its ghastly brother, Circle of the Moon, forever covered in a shroud of cursed darkness that light cannot penetrate. In reality, HoD reminds me even more of my favorite Castlevania, Symphony of the Night, the twisted tale of the Tragic Prince--Alucard--for the PS1. I especially like the use of the trailing shadow behind Juste's character as you move. Tre chic. I'm currently only 25% through the castle, and if the fact that it's a recent Castlevania game is any indication, I'm sure I'll be required to complete 200% to finish the game. I'll get to the end and something unexpected will open up: another dimension, another castle, another world, etc. I haven't read anything on this game in particular to know this. I just know how these games work.

In Network news, I'm going to redesign the Evil Network Comics so that the template and posts are a both a bit easier for us to manage. Plus, we want to be able to actually post in ENComics, so this redesign will enable us to actually use the blog for what it was meant to do. Watch for that coming up.

Also, watch for a cool contest coming up, as well. I won't say much right now, but those in graphic design will be the most interested. Keep watching, I'll let you in on the secret later.

As for other things:

I am so damned cool...

Saturday, December 04, 2004

My Superhero

Posted by Dacquin at 9:24 PM

I wish I knew more about Iceman, or else I'd be more excited.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Was there ever any doubt?

Posted by Savage Alien at 10:57 AM
After finding out I was most like Lara Croft, the boobs and accent gave it away I guess(O_o), I decided to take the Marvel Superhero Quiz instead....

As you can see, I got some better results that time.

I kinda figured this was the case...

Posted by Nathaniel at 9:51 AM

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Name the Film!

Posted by Nathaniel at 10:34 PM
Here's something interesting that was sent my way via email earlier today:

Name the Film (Excel file)
(right click on the link and select "Save As...")

Don't worry, there's no viruses or worms in there. Just a simple Excel document that contains still frames from 60 different movies. Your job is to name each movie based on the still frame provided. Sounds easy, right? Well, what if the heads, arms, legs, and other visible pieces of flesh belonging to the actors and actresses in the frame have been removed, leaving behind only the costumes and the scenery? Still sound easy? Give it a go! I was able to successfully figure out 34 before having to succumb to the insane pressure of mind-numbing work. I'm sure most of you geeks will fare much better than that.

Post your scores in the comments!

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